The "Traitor"

Some people assume that, simply because I do not wish to be a woman, I am misogynistic. I could start ranting about how unfair it is to assume that all men hate women, but I won't. I could expound on the fact that misandry does not make one morally superior, but I won't. Instead, I'll explain why I don't wish to be a woman, and hope that cooler heads will prevail, rather than a rant about my assumed misogyny.

I'm sure you can think of something- some hobby, career, university major- that really doesn't suit you. This doesn't mean that you think that it's inferior, or that those who are suited to this hobby/career/educational path are worth less than you.

This is how I feel about femininity in general.

I hold the utmost respect for women. I believe in social, political, and legal equality for all people regardless of sex or gender. I simply don't want to be a woman. It's not that being a woman is wrong, it's simply wrong for me.

I've had this body for the last 20 years, yet it still feels awkward and almost alien at times. I have these lumps of fat on my chest that get in the way and impede arm movement. I've got genitalia which, quite frankly, still creeps me out. This isn't a new thing- the first time I truly noticed my anatomy, I thought I was deformed, despite knowing that my bits were fairly standard for females. Puberty was hell, as I started gaining weight, which settled in rather unfortunate places. At times, I stopped eating, hoping that doing so would stop my breasts from growing. I didn't see it as the process of becoming a mature woman, like my peers seemed to. I saw it as a sign that I was fat. menstruation was absolute hell- the less said about that, the better.

Even knowing intellectually that this was natural and expected, I still couldn't handle these changes to my body.

I tried to be a woman, I really did. I spent years wearing skirts and make-up, trying to fit the feminine stereotype, hoping that if I tried just a little bit harder, I could make myself like being a woman. If I wore bras that emphasized my curves, I could forget how much I hated them. If I did just a little bit more...

I felt like I was flawed. There must have been something wrong with me, after all. I started cutting, feeling that I deserved the pain as punishment for not being good enough. The marks were there to remind me that I needed to try harder.

This is why I find it so insulting when people act like I'm some kind of traitor. This is why it's so frustrating when people think that transitioning from female to male is a form of giving up and bowing down to the patriarchy. I really don't give a flying fuck about gender roles, and the patriarchy can blow me, but I refuse to live a lie any more. I refuse to pretend that I'm happy having female anatomy, simply because some feel that stating otherwise is a betrayal. I refuse to bow down to those who feel that dealing with our undeniably transphobic society is taking the "easy way out."

After all, how can I be honest to a cause if I'm lying about my very identity?

Yes, I understand that we live in a patriarchal society. As I said, I am a staunch supporter of equality. However, my mental and emotional health comes before showing solidarity with a group I do not feel I belong to. I'm supporting equality to improve the quality of live for others- but why should I be expected to live in misery to do so? Isn't it slightly hypocritical to assume that I should sacrifice my own well being to ensure your happiness? Isn't that exactly what you are accusing patriarchal society of doing to women?

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